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The Mayor of Colfer's Unit (RPF)

Title:The Mayor of Colfer's Unit
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 900
Summary: Post 'Choke' reaction fic.   Kind of.  Because Kay wanted to know where all the fics were where the cast watched the episode together and went into shock because of Chris and his golden pants.
Notes: Another quick and dirty little thing I wrote a while back, but somehow forgot to post until now.  

No one’s said a word for at least four minutes when Kevin opens his mouth.

“Chris?” he asks, eyes still locked onto the screen.  “Please tell me you know where Lou got those pants, and that they weren’t vintage.”

“Oh god,” Chris says, grabbing one of Amber’s throw pillows and smashing it over his face.   

“Why are you so embarrassed?” Lea chirps, turning from her place on Cory’s lap to try and grab the pillow away from him.  “You were amazing!”

“Parts of him were,” Jenna quips, and with that, the floodgates open.  

“I don’t even go for guys,” Chord deadpans, “but I think I got excited.”

“I know I did!” Naya laughs.

“I think I might have, too,” Mark admits, then shrugs as he takes another handful of popcorn form the bowl in Amber’s lap.

“See?  See?” Ashley crows as she grabs him and pulls him in close for a big hug.   “This is why I want to bear your children.  Because any offspring of mine need to be more than just pretty faces with insane amounts of talent.”  She nods solemnly.  “They also have to be hung like a moose.”

“ASHLEY!” Chris shouts, punching her lightly in the arm as he wriggles his way out of her grasp.  “That’s it.  We’re no longer friends.”

“Told you he was fickle,” Amber says, playing along and raising her glass in Ashley’s direction.  “With Chris, BFF-ness always ends the second you bring up his junk in front of other people.  Lea learned that, I learned that, and now it’s your turn.”

“It’s okay,” Lea says.  “At least we all got to see it before he shut us out.”

“You’ve all seen Chris’s dick?” Darren asks excitedly.  “Is it as big as it just looked on TV?”  

“Bigger,” the three reply at once.  

“Damn,” Darren says, shaking his head.   “Why do I always miss the good stuff?”

“This is why they write so many stories about the two of you,” Jenna says.  “Darren makes it too easy.”

“Darren is easy,” Chris says before he can help himself.

“Ladies and gentlemen, exhibit ‘B,’” Jenna says, waving a hand in Chris’s direction.

“I’m totally easy,” Darren says with a grin as he leans back and clasps his hands behind his head.  “Easy like Sunday morning, that is.”

“Ugggghhhh,” Harry groans.  “Why are your jokes always so bad?”

“Because I’m cute enough to get away with it?” Darren asks.

Harry just laughs and throws a handful of napkins at him.

“Enough about how easy Darren is,” Ashley insists.  “I believe we were talking about the glory that is the colfer crotch and how ridiculous his junk is.”

“It was kind of magnificent,” Kevin says.  “What?” he asks when he catches everyone’s reaction.  “What word would you use to describe what we just saw?  Amber’s got an eighty inch screen.  Chris’s...parts were bigger than our heads and practically spray-painted gold as he shook them right at us.  Boy knows how to use his hips.  He’s known since they taught him ‘Single Ladies.’  Don’t get weird on me just because I’m comfortable enough with myself to admit it.”

“Preach it,” Darren says, offering out a hand for the standard fist-bump of bro-ness.

“What are you doing?” Diana asks Ashley.

“Changing the screensaver on my phone,” comes the response as Ashley looks at the screen intently.  “Tumblr works fast.”

“Oh my god,” Diana laughs as she plucks the phone from Ashley’s hands.  “It’s moving - it’s like his penis is asking you what you’d like to do - play Words With Friends, or check in with Foursquare.”

“Sweet!” Ashley grins.  “I have a new goal in life, and it is to become the mayor of Colfer’s unit.”

“That makes it sound like you’re checking in to D ten at U-Store or something,” Darren says.

“Oh, you wish you could store it,” Ashley says, then purses her lips and flushes.  “Sorry,” she says.  “I may have checked out some of those stories Jenna was talking about.”

“Why was I ever friends with you?” Chris asks, resting his elbows on his knees and burying his face in his hands.  

“Because I always read you the best parts?” she asks, half a moment before Darren sprays Amstel Light all over Amber’s coffee table.

“Clean that up,” she says without a trace of amusement.  “I just cleaned up before you got here and I am not wiping up after your sorry ass.”

“Wrong end,” Darren says, then ducks as another handful of napkins is thrown his way.

“Can we please stop talking about everyone’s body parts?” Chris moans softly from behind his hands.  

“You kind of liked how parts of him were described in that one story about you two -”

“ASHLEY!” Chris shouts, and she quickly mimes locking her lips and throwing away a key.

“Chris is right,” Kevin says.  “Let’s just get back to the thing that’s really important so we can finish watching the episode.”

“What’s that?” Cory asks, smiling as Lea sinks against his chest.

“The pants,” Kevin says with exasperation.  “Are they vintage or not?”

stats of your site


( 24 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 20th, 2012 03:30 am (UTC)
A++++ job! Wonderful drabble!
Jun. 25th, 2012 01:34 am (UTC)
Thank you. :)
Jun. 20th, 2012 03:37 am (UTC)
SOL (literally snorting out loud here on my couch) I think I choked on my own spit. Love this so much!
Jun. 25th, 2012 01:34 am (UTC)
Thank you! :D
Jun. 20th, 2012 04:04 am (UTC)
LOL! OMG! I'm so amused that Kevin wants to know about the fashion of it all, Darren is easy, Chris enjoys RPF, Ashley wants to procreate with Chris, and the girls have all seen him naked. (And Darren is jealous.) LOL That was hilarious. :D
Jun. 25th, 2012 01:35 am (UTC)
Thank you! I had far too much fun writing this. :)
Jun. 20th, 2012 05:20 am (UTC)
“What are you doing?” Diana asks Ashley.

“Changing the screensaver on my phone,” comes the response as Ashley looks at the screen intently.  “Tumblr works fast.”

I love, love, love your Ashley.

There was a video of Glee Live Single Ladies that was more of Brad Falchuk and Ryan Murphy's reactions as they watched Colfer onstage. I wish I could find it. The clip I downloaded won't play, and I didn't save the URL. I have watched Not the Boy Next Door so many times I think I have watched it even more than I watched the Hugh Jackman Tony Award's version. (And how freaking' sad is it that I even put the Tonys on my appointment calendar this year and still forgot to watch it?) I love the camaraderie and teasing in this.

PS, your lj-cut tag is wonky.
Jun. 25th, 2012 01:43 am (UTC)
You are me with regard to missing the Tonys even after scheduling it for yourself. I'm still rather annoyed with myself over it. :(

When I wrote 'Turn The Lights Down Low,' I thought I loved writing Ashley. When I was writing 'Porcelain & Velvet,' I thought I loved writing Wes. Now I'm writing 'Like A Toaster,' fawning in love with writing Tina, and I finally realize that what I really love is writing friends. They can get away with things that would seem like too much from lead characters.

(fixed the cut the next morning - the perils of posting when tired. :P )
Jun. 20th, 2012 08:52 am (UTC)
gah. this is totally amazing. so hilarious. i love everyone's reactions, kevin and dianna especially. it's awesome that ashley and chris read crisscolfer fic and it's awesome that darren is jealous. i love it.
Jun. 25th, 2012 01:45 am (UTC)
Thank you! :D

I really love ensemble pieces, but they can be overwhelming when they get too long. Little nibbles like this, however, are tailor made for them. :)
Jun. 20th, 2012 09:48 am (UTC)
You have no idea how much this made me laugh and imagine it happening too xD excellent writing as usual!
Jun. 25th, 2012 01:45 am (UTC)
Thank you! It was a lot of fun to write. :)
Jun. 20th, 2012 10:27 am (UTC)

Whoever Chris sleeps with should be very grateful for Single Ladies.
Jun. 25th, 2012 01:47 am (UTC)
Some things are true, and your statement is undeniably one of them.

I've long wanted to write something wherein every guy Chris sleeps with immediately changes his ringtone to 'Single Ladies,' but I haven't been able to figure out a way to work it just yet.
Jun. 20th, 2012 10:45 am (UTC)
This was a hoot! Those pants are miraculous. Chris even said Monday in the Gold Derby interview how surprised he was. He said they didn't seem that tight in the fittings or in his trailer...and he loved the scene but was a bit shocked by what the "lighting" did. No Honey, that's all you. And you're a big boy. And everyone knows it. Loved everyone's reaction. Darren is easy...and jealous that the girls have seen Chris naked. (So change that, dude!) Snickering over all the comments and the fact that Chris reads RPF. I bet they all do. Bunch of trolls!
Jun. 25th, 2012 01:51 am (UTC)
Heeeeeee! The way I pictured it, Chris doesn't technically read it, he just has Ashley read it out loud for him. It's the whole letter of the law vs. the spirit of it deal. XD

Those pants may just be the single greatest thing he's ever worn on the show. Single. Greatest. EVER.
Jun. 25th, 2012 02:03 am (UTC)
Now if we could just get him to take them off. For science. I would volunteer to be the official "Pecker Checker".
Jun. 20th, 2012 11:32 am (UTC)
Why do I always follow Mardie on these things ... oh yes, because SHE sends me all the links LOL. Absolutely LOVED it ! I think you got the gang SPOT ON - especially Ashley, miss that girl.

Yes Chris - the pants WERE amazing and with those hips do you blame everyone for zeroing in on the junk? And yes as you said in the Gold Derby interview - we are ALL perverts. I mean come on you are the one who said that after the tour you could dislocate your hips at will after Single Ladies.
Jun. 25th, 2012 01:55 am (UTC)
Thank you! :D

Ashley is entirely too much fun to write. It's one of the reasons she's going to have a pretty big part in the next CC fic I'm planning. I come from humor, and she's a terrific vehicle for it. :)

Chris's hips = perfection. Those pants = perfection. The combination of the two = more beautiful than a plastic bag blowing in the breeze. <3
Jun. 20th, 2012 11:51 am (UTC)
So awesome. And I'm sure those stories Ashley was reading were written by you ;)
Jun. 25th, 2012 01:57 am (UTC)
Thank you!

Hehehe, in my head, these stories all take place in alternate realities, so they're not reading anyone we'd know. I'd be fairly mortified to know the real versions had ever come across anything I'd made. ;>
(Deleted comment)
Jun. 25th, 2012 01:58 am (UTC)
Thank you! :D
Jun. 27th, 2012 03:19 am (UTC)

All that and still no one answered Kevin's question.

I really enjoyed everyone's characterization in this.
Jul. 16th, 2012 06:20 am (UTC)
Oh my God, it's 2am and my parents are sleeping down the hallway and they might have heard my undignified snorts over this, amazing.

Darren. Be easy with Chris, would you?

I think we can pretty much thank Lou for everything. Everything meaning being able to witness everything Chris Colfer has to offer. Because even though I can't buy, I'm interested in enjoying the sight of the merch, at least.

Anyway. I'm such a pervert, dear God. Like, I was literally salivating over the whole scene and my mom had to check on me at least three times because I couldn't stop giggling. Thank God she didn't see Chris' junk wiggling all around the screen.

Edited at 2012-07-16 06:22 am (UTC)
( 24 comments — Leave a comment )